Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
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