sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
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I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
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I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
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