i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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