Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
