my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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