Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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