he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
