Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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