if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
The feeling are messing with the penis
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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