Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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