Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
It's blow job season.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
