Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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