My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
