went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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