I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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