How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
