but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
