my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
