did you get engaged???
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
