I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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