omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
