Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
