I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
