Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
