So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
