Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
