Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
