watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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