I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
