I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
