That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
