I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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