No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Randomize
