And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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