Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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