You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
the liver wants what the liver wants
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
