There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
