Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
