I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
