good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
