What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
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