Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
