her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
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Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
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No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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