What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
