Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
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I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
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i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.