Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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