i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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