He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
