So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
