What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
