He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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