No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
