the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
