I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
